Video Revival! [4/2007]

RIP Albert Hofmann, Inventor of LSD

He died at 102 years of age. Look at this article and read about his first experiments in which he discovered LSD by exposing himself to it.

Thank you for doing this great service to humanity Mr. Hofmann.

Mr. Mustache, Mustache San, Misour Moostachio

To whom it may concern:

Mustaches. We've all heard of them. Many of us have home to fear them. Yet few of us brave them.

This is a call to action. I am organizing a day of mustaches -- Mass Mustache Day. I will be ordering numerous mustaches to hand out to my brave comrades. To those who hear the call -- be brave, wear them all day.

"Why are you doing this," one might ask. The answer is simple, really. Mustaches are awesome. Many heroes of history have had mustaches. A mustache is a way for us to transform ourselves into awesome man-bots (men robots). That's double awesome for you. Manliness AND robots.

To those of you who are willing to fight, thank you and may a mustache be good to you. To those who oppose us, be afraid. A wave of mustaches will roll over you, smothering the life out of you. We are ready to take full control of all non-mustachios. Get ready to become slaves.

If you grow it, they will come.

Public Alert: Our Food Is Probably Carcinogenic

I was very disturbed after seeing this and I think more people should know about what's going into the food we buy. I found this documentary linked by someone on Digg.com and then it just disappeared completely. The funny thing is that the very article that was being dugg stated how this film was being repressed on the Internet by Google and several media outlets. The video is in 12 segments but you can find a link to the torrent of the continuous version on the site.

And take look what BBC News put up on their site today.

Da Mirrion dawrah bay bee

This is the true aftermath and powerful effect of Million Korean BBQ. No joke, Dillon is geniunely passed out. We have just established a stable connection with the moonanites. The end. Time now: 2:30am, over.

PS. The title is pronounced by an mongorian. The Million Dollar Baby.

Driving Next To A Hummer Feels Like Having A Gun Pointed At Your Head. Here's Why...

  I believe in openly talking about your fears with strangers. Being forthcoming about my insecurities has helped to prevent any possible misunderstandings that could stem from my social interaction with others. For example, an acquaintance of mine recently told me that at the time of our first meeting he mistakenly assumed that I "don't like to be touched" and also that I was "really pale and should go outside for a change." We had a good laugh! I explained to him that I only fear insects and heights.

  So for you my shining cousins I will reveal a rather unsettling suspicion that I’ve had for the past few days. Have any of you ever noticed something wrong with Hummers? I’m not talking about their deplorable fuel consumption or uncanny ability to bestow their owners with instant 'Pimp' status. No, I think it’s more like they’re robots…yes, robots IN DISGUISE.

So what’s my logic for coming to this most dubious conclusion? Dear friends, here it is. Ever notice how people who drive hummers are complete tools? Well you’re not far from the truth, they’re actually holograms meant to deceive you. However, the lies stop there because the women that are attracted to these holograms are in fact 100% real. And perhaps you’ve seen the Hummer commercials? Where at the end the “H” and the “3” that make up the logo do this thing where they link into each other and spin around. That’s EXACTLY what I’m talking about!

On Monday I was driving on Rt. 17 and there was a large Hummer driving like one foot behind my car while I was in the shoulder lane driving 9 miles an hour for some reason that none of you will ever understand. But I feel like the people who were with me…kind of understand. Anyway so I’m pretty sure he was blasting Coheed and Cambria and I was scared out my fucking mind. I like them too, but not enough to die for them. Especially when it’s involving those fucktard Decepticons, even less one named “Megaglobeatron”. Don’t ask me how I knew his name. Here’s a hint: Draw a truck on a piece of paper, hand it to your mom, and ask her what she sees. What I’m saying is that we gotta do something with our lives man…like assemble a fleet of dodge Neon’s and fight back!

Into the Wild

I just finished watching Into the Wild for the first time. It's a great film that captures what happiness is outside of the game of life.

The movie reminded me of sleeping outdoors in California. I used to walk around with a tarp and Army issue sleeping bag looking for a comfortable place to sleep. Honestly, it's a something everyone should try.

The photo on the right is of the country I would wander around looking for a comfy spot; it was my home -- Paso Robles, California. Lucky for me, it doesn't snow much there. It does get down to the thirties and forties at night, but the sleeping bag I used was real warm and covered my head.

I'm going to start looking for that old sleeping bag so that I can sleep out under the sky again.

The RX Bandits

Calling all Rx Bandits fans... you're doing it wrong. Here are some dates of shows that I might possibly be able to make. It would make so much sense, as they're on consecutive dates, and close together. Man that'd be cool. Pictured left is Matt Embree: singer.

PS. Harold & Kumar is out today. I hope I get to see it

Jul 31 2008 7:30pm
School of Rock East South Hackensack, New Jersey

Aug 1 2008 7:00pm
Highline Ballroom New York, New York

Aug 27 2008 7:00pm
The Troubadour West Hollywood, California

Aug 28 2008 7:00pm
The Troubadour West Hollywood, California

Andrew Recommends [Week of 4/26]

Health - Self Titled

I first heard of this band when I saw them open up for Crystal Castles 

(with whom they teamed up to make the song “Crimewave”) and they 

don't sound like any band I've ever heard before. You could classify 

them as noise rock, and that would be an understatement. Their live 

show was completely out of control, as you'll see from the video 

below that I nabbed from Pitchfork TV. Their only album may be 

nothing new to some of you since it came out last September but for 

those who have not discovered them yet, they come with a serious 

recommendation from me.

Time Travel? Like Dorothy, You’ve Had the Power All Along.

The key is under your arms, or wherever you want to smell good.

You may be comfortable with the idea that dudes aren’t interested in science fiction topics like time travel, but you’re wrong to feel that way. Human beings have fantasized about traveling back in time since day one because of several innate components of our inner lives: memories and regrets. We distinguish between the way life is, and the way we wish it would be. At the heart of this desire to change the past is a hope that we, as individuals, remember the past so that we can prevent ourselves from making the same mistakes again and again. Unfortunately as time goes by the lessons we’ve learned tend to factor less and less into our decision-making.

Environmentalists have taught us to find new uses for things that we already have. With their will in mind, I searched through my possessions for any item that I found to be limited in application. Hours later I found myself in the bathroom getting ready to go out, and then I remembered my search. Picking up an ordinary can of Axe™ body spray, I asked myself what other uses this product could have. I considered several hypotheses including using the product as a rescue tool. If one was trapped inside a burning house they should be able to apply this product and summon a horde of women to shield them from the flames with their bodies. Certain that I was off to a good start, I thought of more uses for Axe body spray until…

At last I stumbled upon a way to travel back in time via Axe body spray. All you have to do is buy a different fragrance every month, spray it on every day as you normally would, but instead of using the whole can leave at least 20% remaining. Then label the can for that month and store it someplace safe. Whenever you need to confront a situation that relates to something that happened a while back, just spray some of that month’s fragrance into the air in front of you. This will cause your present day feelings to be overpowered by nostalgia and you will be able to tackle the situation as if it happened yesterday.

Since its inception, Axe body spray has offered men masculine names for already existing fragrances. Also noteworthy, is the ingenious concept that women have noses and find enjoyment in certain smells. With this new application mentioned above, dudes everywhere can not only think that they smell great but believe that the past is their ally as well. This knowledge can empower men to discard the illusions of the present, and feel the harrowing insight that can only be delivered to us by the tearing open of an old wound. Having a streak of bad luck? Take yourself back to a better time in just seconds! Expect to say things like:

“That was the best. Seriously.”

“Oh man…I really was upset when she left me.”

“Dude this isn’t the first time you’ve left this shit out here.”

“Fuck I’m out of January…FUCK!”

and

“Who knew that a horrific car accident could smell so good.”

I spoke to several women about this concept, and they were at a loss for words when I explained that by putting this method into practice I had discovered that we had already slept together. Since all feminine fragrances are considered “gay”, I feel as if this gender-exclusive method gives me the edge. However, women can benefit themselves by becoming better acquainted with the bitter scent of defeat, which they are certain to encounter in the near future.

Radiohead/Chopin

Radiohead cover by Jack Conte mixed with Chopin, it's pretty sweet, mainly posting for Andrew. I think he's really talented, and his myspace music page is jam packed with sweet music. He also is really good at making music videos. Look him up on youtube. k, back to work @ Geeksquad.

Uncut footage

I'd have to say, I seem to be a professional slacker at work. They installed this camera at Geeksquad today, due to internal theft issues or something. Since the new installation, I have already found the secret to success. Watch and learn bitches. No editing or clipping was done to the video, only fast Asian movement.

It's Pool Cleaning Season You Sandbaggin' Son of a Bitch!

Ah…it's 83°F outside

© Lance Staedler

Looks like its time to start up my pool cleaning business again. I've already ordered a decal for my minivan to advertise my premium services.

The concept is that I use Google Maps™ to find people with pools and then I ring the doorbell and offer to clean their pool for free and make my money by advertising (also using Google™) on their front lawns.

Once on the premises I will have the woman of the house show me to the pool. Sometimes you have them right from the moment you say “Free Cleaning For Your Pool, Ma’am?” Other times you have to play the game. I've found success in the past by accidentally knocking her into the pool with the skimmer and then tearing off my shirt and diving in to the rescue. I can also rig the pool chemical tester to show a deficiency of pheromones. Flawless victory.

Original Image Courtesy of bannersunlimited.net

Have Sex while playing Guitar Hero!

Don't worry, no nudity. Only hilarious geniuses. Blaze, then watch this video. Please watch the entire thing. The Guy in the Background is awesome. Their site advertised at the end isn't a virus like I had expected. It's actually an interesting topic. I should totally Digg this.

Andrew Recommends [Week of 4/19]

Every week I'm going to do a section on Not Carbonated that offers my recommendations on new music, upcoming concerts, and general events of interest.

Cover photo by Eva Vermandel

Portishead - "Third"

Choice Tracks - "Small", "Nylon Smile", "Threads"

The new album by Portishead, due for release on April 29th (US), is simply wonderful. I'll admit that previously to listening to this album I was only a moderate fan of this group. However their 10 year hiatus since their last release has in my opinion paid off in full. Third is minimalism at its best, offering 50 minutes of highly distinct sounding melodies at times framing the lyrics of Beth Gibbons and other times crushing and overpowering them.

Though it may not be apparent at first, this album album uses pick-of-the-litter beats that reinforce the relevance of a band like Portishead in today's music world. Beth Gibbons' vocals are of a mature feminine presence with lyrics that portray experiences of uncertainty, regret, and a sincere vulnerability. Geoff Barrow and Adrian Utley do a similarly fantastic job with crafting the powerful pseudo-industrial soundscape that gives Portishead it's trademark sound with the biting rhythms in songs like the aptly named "Machine Gun" or ironically titled "Silence".

Overall I was very much impressed with this work, and since unfortunately I won't be able to catch Portishead at Coachella this year I hope they will expand their tour into a more intimate venue in the New York City area. Check out this Live Studio Performance over at Current TV to see the band perform 7 songs from the new album.

There's Some Serious Pollinating Going On Outside

I left my friend’s place yesterday because he refused to let himself be bothered by a bee that was trapped inside the kitchen. I tried to tell him that you can’t just do nothing. I heard from a vegetarian once that if you stop eating meat, most insects cease to be attracted to you. Sorry we can’t all be perfect.

Spring is a great time of season to be reminded that the past several months of cold dead climate weren’t responsible for making you feel like shit, you just feel like that all year round. In order to reconcile my disappointment I would like to share with you some of my favorite activities to embark upon during this interesting turn of events we call springtime.

1. I call this one “Going Outside And Wondering What Other People Think Of You.” In spring the TV and your family tell you about all sorts of activities you can do. My favorite is taking a walk in one of my town’s parks. Thoughts come to mind while basking in the splendor of all this leafiness and of course the birds. It’s typical to see more people outside doing the same thing as you and that’s why I wonder what it really means to be a part of society again. This spurs the blossoming of doubt, and such aromatic questions as: Which Nine Inch Nails t-shirt should I wear tomorrow (Wearing dark clothing means absorbing more wavelengths of light, that means feeling warm longer as every trace of optimism is drained from your soul by the chilling apathy of the masses)? Will volunteering my services to help clean up our town’s parks get me laid? And Should I get a dog?

2. “Driving around with the windows down, playing music loudly.” Playing LCD Soundsystem and Le Tigre on a nice day can improve your mood, so why not share the love with your neighborhood despite the conservative majority in this town who would spit on your esoteric tastes?

3. “Visiting your favorite street corner.” Or the alternative: “Hanging out with your ex-girlfriend.”

Let the celebration begin!

Kaiser/Bowl's

This is our surf spot: Kaiser Bowls. It's a great place to surf. The wave in the picture doesn't really do the spot justice. I've seen waves that were triple overhead in that same spot before.

It can get a bit crowded at times, but normally it's very reasonable. The spot has it's own little community; I always recognize people out in the water. Even if you get cut off -- or if you accidentally cut someone off -- everyone is very nice about it.

The area is famous for the way the waves form and break, creating small "bowls." The break is very nice and clean usually, which gives you plenty of room to cut across the face or rocket straight down.

I love this surf spot. In about a month or so, the surf will really begin to pick up and it will be awesome.

Drunk Fucks. LOL.

When I came home after training, I was met by my girlfriend accompanied by three strangers.

At first I was a little shy like I usually am, but I got to know them a little and they turned out to be really nice. I sold Advil to one of them; it was awesome.

We played Guitar Hero 3 for a bit, but then we were interrupted by our building manager Gilbert. He told us that we needed to quiet down because we were being a bit loud. It's always a little embarrassing to get in trouble, but he's only doing his job. I guess it doesn't help that his room is right beneath ours. It's all good. I'll apologize to him in the morning.

Cheri keeps asking if she can 'sex' me, but I don't 'sex' in public. She gets drunk really easy. I only had three shots and am completely sober. People act so weird when they're blitz. It's really entertaining. :)

So far I've been telling people a bunch of random facts that they find really interesting. It's awesome. I just explained why models do coke. lol.

So far I've made $30 from this party. Awesome. I JUST sold my long board that was ran over by a bus; it's perfect for a beginner. THIRTY DOLLARS! :0

OK, so let's sum everything up. Selling things to drunk people is awesome, drunk people think you're a professor, and drunk girls want to 'sex' you. And I have awesome breasts apparently.

One word: AWESOME.

Ice Ice Baby

I did not hear about this in the news, so I thought I'd share: Rob Van Winkle (aka. Vanilla Ice) was arrested for beating his wife on 4/11/08. Man, talk about washed up awesomeness. Maybe David Bowie and Queen forgave him, but hopefully his wife does not. For some other sweet mugshots, check out Mug Shot Dujour.

The waves are so sick at Kaiser/Bowl's. Nice set about 15 minutes apart. In betweens has a consistent set, nice wave every 3 minutes, a little bit on the inside though. Wednesday and Thursday are supposed to be sick. I heard head highs, I'm hoping that's true.

Just got off of work at Metropark. It's never too stressful there so it's a nice change of pace from Geeksquad. It's very competitive at Metropark, but I just run game on bitches all day anyway, so I really don't act much different. I have work all day tomorrow, which really sucks - 9:15am ~ 5:00pm Geeksquad, then 5:30pm ~ 9:30pm Metropark. Hot Damn.

'91 Honda CRX

Update (10:03 pm): I'm no longer going to buy this car... My parents, who still change my diapers, do not agree. They urge me to get a lease on a brand new car... great, another bill to pay. I guess short term, which is what I need, it makes sense. I am currently living in Hawaii for school, also because my parents live here. Once I'm done, I'll be moving back to New Jersey.

Man, been looking for the perfect car for months, and I think I've finally found it. I know I might not be able to fit a short board in it, or my long board on top... but shit, this thing is beautiful. I'm going to take a look at it soon, he's asking 4000 for it. Carbon Fiber hood isn't for me, as it's kinda rice, but I guess it's in my blood, and apparent on my skin. It looks cool, but riding in it might not be, A/C doesn't work. Who needs A/C though. 4000 might be a little out of budget for me at the moment, but I know once I see it, that won't be a problem.

I'm going surfing now, 2-3ft at Bowl's. Looks pretty sweet from the Lanai.

My Local Library

Ever since I quit my job I've been spending a lot of time in my local library, working on scholarly articles and things of that nature. Usually I spend an average of 3 hours a day there, and though I spend most of that time in a cubicle-esque laptop station, I have peaked my head out on occasion to observe other library fans while I'm running Software Update on my mac (something I do everyday).

Here are my reasons for pursuing this inquiry:

1. Seeing as how my old high-school is next door to the library, I wanted to see if any attractive high-school girls were starring at me. I try to look my best every day I go there, and it's nice to see your efforts appreciated by a quick eye-fuck. Nothing ever comes of it, of course, there's a police station next door as well and there's no fucking way I'm going back in the hole!

2. There's this old lady who comes there every day and is always wearing either turquoise or lavender colored pants. On the chair she sits on she places a single blank sheet of letter size paper which I assume is there to protect her from microbes. My interest in her is two fold: first I can tell the day of the week by the color of her pants, and second I have been trying to see if her paper-on-the-chair strategy is viable in slowing the rate by which the microbes have been eating away at myself and the other library goers.

3. You can't drink anything in the Library. Not coffee, not frusion™ yogurt smoothies, not even water. In fact, anything that's essential to being comfortably alive for more that 3 hours has to be "enjoyed in the Friend's Room". The only "Friends" in that place are a soft drink machine and an 70-something year old woman who's not what I would call a conversation starter. That's why I keep my drinks carefully concealed and always look around before I take a sip.

4. I have untreated ADD.

My findings (corresponding with the numbers above):

1. There are no really hot high-school girls at the library. Turns out they're doing exactly what I was doing after school when I was that age: smoking dope and blowing older dudes at frat parties (that's actually a lie, I was at track practice).

2. That psychedelic lady wasn't there today. See you in hell bitch.

3. My friend M. Longo says that you can't smell it if a person's been drinking top shelf vodka. Is this true?

4. These markings on my desk certainly do look peculiar. At first glance they seem like to have been made unintentionally by years of wear, but you can never discount the genius of some of these high-school pranksters. Now if only I could decipher their code...

Generally speaking, I try to keep my presence low key while I'm in this place. Imagine my embarrassment when a very loud startup tone issued from my mac earlier today while I was installing a Boot ROM update. I was certain the library hags would descend upon me, but the outcome was worse than I expected. The young lady who sat in the cubicle adjacent to me took her leave! I didn't even get to glance at her enough times (I go for 1 look every 30 minutes) to figure out if I thought she was attractive.

I also decided to take out a book today, something that I haven't done at this library since I was 15 years old and lost interest in libraries. At the checkout counter I was told that I had roughly $10 in fines to pay for several books I took out 7 years ago. You can imagine my reluctance when that's perfectly good weed money. However, I could not take my book home otherwise so I paid the fine. On the plus side, I now have the ability to borrow CD's and DVD's from the library which I will of course be ripping to my computer before returning.

On my next visit I think I'll ask for a job application. Judging by the way the Friends Room attendant is looking at me there should be an opening pretty soon. Zing!

Wait, what?

Damn it. I can't remember if I am supposed to be in English class tomorrow.

Dr. Shaffer said we weren't supposed to come on a Monday... I pick THIS Monday. That will work out right? Right?









P.S. Tonight we dine at the hot dog vendor!

Things To Do

I just finished watching Things To Do. The plot of the movie revolves around a guy in his twenties named Adam who recently watched his best (and probably only) friend jump off the roof of their office building.

As the story moves along he meets an old acquaintance named Mac. Mac's juvenile behavior is refreshing compared to Adam's glum disposition.

After Mac convinces Adam to do a dunk at the basketball hoop in front of a house, Adam makes a list of things he wants to do in his life. The list includes classics like skydiving and fresh ones like going to the prom.

After some obstacles, they complete the list and learn a few things about life and what they want from it. The movie made me feel better about being bored and had a cool lighthearted feel to it. It's not a blockbuster or anything, but it was 85 minutes well spent.

Dick Masterson

I hope that's his real name. Edward Norton Look-alike. He's a douche bag, but he fucking BURNS the lady at the end though.

Homeless 2

Pictured: the homeless cats on the U.H. Campus. The state of Hawaii, not just Oahu, suffers from an overpopulation of feral felines. While on campus, I witnessed an elderly couple feeding the homeless cats out of the trunk of their car. I figured they were idiots, helping the overpopulation continue, but the Hawaiian Humane Society offers an incite into this alarming problem.

From the Hawaiian Humane Society website:

The cat population escalates every summer as thousands of litters of feral kittens are born. While the size of Hawaii's feral cat population is unknown, the Hawaiian Humane Society on Oahu received more than 1,000 of them in June. And 17 percent of Oahu households admit to feeding a cat they did not own.

One un-spayed female and her offspring can produce 420,000 kittens in just seven years, so it's easy to imagine how Oahu's population could grow out of control without human intervention.

Trap-Neuter-Return-Manage Programs -- pioneered in Europe and used across the United States -- are a humane and effective way to improve these animals' quality of life and reduce populations. But consistent monitoring and lifelong commitment are required to effectively manage a colony.

The program relies on the ongoing dedication and compassion of caregivers. Community volunteers who use the humane society's free feral sterilization services agree to manage colonies, ensure veterinary care and help place kittens in homes. They also are encouraged to secure the permission of landowners and residents to keep watch over cats on private property, and to keep feeding areas tidy.

Cat caregivers are an often misunderstood group because they're seen as perpetuating the overpopulation of cats. Actually, they are helping to control the feral cat population and offering a good life to cats without a permanent home.

Cat colonies can be found in vacant lots, behind businesses, on school campuses or in parks. Many cats in colonies have never lived in a home and could not be socialized to do so. Cat colony caregivers win the confidence of these unsocialized felines through visits and regular feeding. Eventually, the cats can be lured into a humane trap, and then brought to the Hawaiian Humane Society

Don't abandon your cat: Releasing a pet cat in a feral colony is a violation of the animal desertion law. Domestic cats may be rejected or attacked by the colony.

Microchip Madness: In August only, cat owners can have their cats microchipped for just $5. For a list of participating veterinary clinics call (808) 356-2290.

Ridiculous. I'm in line to adopt two, a male and female, and attempt to produce 60,000 kittens a year. Shit, I thought this might be an alarming rate, but I could just eat cats for the rest of my life. I could even feed all the homeless people at Ala Moana Beach Park. Man, there are Malasada stands all over the island, let there be Cat Baby Salad Stands. That would be the only solution I can think of. Unless you made special Cat Malasadas... On a lighter note, I do actually want to adopt one and be it's sole care-taker, and love it until it grows into a tiger. It is really unfortunate that these little dudes don't have a roof over their heads and no one to brush their teeth:

Brushing is the most effective way of controlling plaque and periodontal disease and is among the most important maintenance you can do for your pet's health. Studies have shown that brushing three times a week reduces plaque by 90 percent and at least once a week by 75 percent.

For cats, health conditions are more notable in the mouth than anywhere else. If a cat is not showing signs of pain, but significant dental disease is present, it is often an indication of a more serious problem.

Regardless of whether or not you are a cat lover, this issue is terrorizing the campus with cute fuzzy things walking around while I smoke a blunt and walk around. It's kind of awesome, seeing thousands of cats, instead of stupid fucking squirrels. Of course, if you are a cat lover, behold lolcats @ icanhascheezburger.com. Some of the pictures are stupid, but then there are those gems.

In conclusion, I wish I could teach these cats how to surf, so I can contribute to this climb of feral felines. They'd drown no doubt. Surf right now looks awesome. Surfline.com says there are 2-3ft swells - first time it's said that in a while. Thunder Cats Ho.

Cadillac of Sunsets

The past couple days have been wet due to some light rain and the sky was blanketed by overcast. The surf was nothing special, and the nights were chilly. Today began the same as the days prior, but once noon hit, the sun was beaming down. Every half an hour a huge cloud would disrupt the suns rampage on my skin whilst surfing.

Crystal accompanied Dillon and I surfing today: she came out with a body board and fins. She caught the sickest wave by accident, but none-the-less it was incredible. The waves were pretty consistent at Bowl's, and I was able to blast down a couple faces perfectly. The forecast keeps claiming 1-2 ft., but it was a constant 3 ft face, and there were even some shoulder to head high waves. I can now turn without the use of my hands down the face of a wave. Crystal witnessed me eat shit though: I was trying to turn out of a wave, the white wash ate my board, and I literally flew semi-back flipping into the air over the back side of the wave. It was awesome.

The sunset was everything I'd hope it be for a wonderful day. I wish I could have taken a picture of the entire sky. The day would have ended better if I could have attended Matt Longo's party, with surprise guests: Daybeeeeeed, Bobby Gribbon, and Jeremy. I'm off to smoke with Dillon and watch "Dead Leaves" - whatever that is... I have to pickup from Danny, so I'll be smoking with him first. I totally need to goto Costco and buy Q-Tips. Fuck.

Snorlax

Rest assured: our residency had top notch security. Lolfats

This guy is always sleeping, and when he is actually awake, his eyes are so far blood shot, it's ridiculous. He looks like he smoked a blunt using his eyes. Oh I understand now, you're trying to smother yourself between your breasts. Succulent.

Anyways, this photo was taken on the way back in from the Cheesecake Factory with Crystal. They have the biggest portions of food known to man. All the food was pretty decent as always, but what drove me to my doom was the fact that I had eaten dinner with my parents shortly before this date. My mom, who only visits a week every 2 months or so from New Jersey, is known to cook my favorite meals all in one sitting. She makes this bangin' Tempura Shrimp that makes me gauge those fucking shrimp right out of their fucking shoes. Damn. Back to the Cheesecake Factory. I learned that Cheesecake factory, is not-so ironically named, after their bangin' cheesecakes. I was immersed in an orgasm of flavor with their Cookie Dough Cheesecake Tower. It was as if I was receiving oral under the table. Shit, get that next time you're there. You'll thank me.

Ralph Steadman

Just picked up this sweet poster by Ralph Steadman.

And welcome back to Demonoid. Thank the lord. youtorrent has held me up since though, if you haven't heard of that one.

Homeless

She's only wearing a cloth, and carrying fishing poles. She even had a current bus pass and sweet latex gloves. The surf today was about 2-3 feet at around 12:30pm at Kaiser/Bowl's. Kaiser's was too shallow to surf today, almost hurt myself really bad.

Just got a hair cut and picked up my first paycheck from Metropark... OK pocket change I guess. In other news, my recent trip to New Jersey cost me way more money then I had imagined. The best part was when I received my direct deposit from Best Buy last night, 2 weeks of paid vacation was missing out of it. I'm so fucked this week for money. I went into Best Buy and fixed the issue, but I won't be seeing the money until the following pay cycle... which is in 2 weeks. Thank you Best Buy, and thank god I got paid at Metropark.

Anyway, I'm off to dinner with my parents - where they will be tearing me a new asshole for not having my rent money. I'll be critiquing the restaurant we go to shortly.

Sunglasses

Walking around Foodland in Hawaii. I think I'll be posting iPhone photos here all the time... this is awesome. About to go surfing: only 1-2 ft swells today. Really slow small sets. I'll be surfing everyday thanks to my paid vacation until the 13th of April. Oh... and I do end up updating my twitter pretty often from my phone as well.

follow me on Twitter

Polaroid

I've been itching to own a Polaroid camera, just never thought I'd find use for one. Come to find out, Polaroid is allowing it's insta-develop camera's to go extinct. 2 years ago, Polaroid stopped manufacturing cameras for consumers and just recently for commercial use as well.

To my surprise, Crystal purchased me an awesome Polaroid one600 jobpro. She got it from Grainger - her place of work and made my fucking day. Apparently it is the last of it's kind in the inventory, as it has been deleted from the system.

So far, I've taken a picture of Crystal, both Crystal and I, and this morning, a picture of Dillon. There are multiple capture modes, including a timer, light/dark/normal shots, red eye reduction, an elastic hand strap, and even has the tripod thing on the bottom. Crystal even supplied me with some film which was a little aged (over a year past expiration) but I just chugged expired soy milk, so fuck you. The thing about expired Polaroids, is that the photo just doesn't seem to develop completely, and has a semi-sephia effect. It's actually pretty cool because it looks like the picture was taken 40 years ago. Another thing I forgot to mention is that I fucked up one of the pictures I took after shaking it like a mother fucking Polaroid picture. The modern (not for long) version of Polaroids need no fucking shaking! What's that about? Andre 3000, you ass. I can't believe it's already been over four years since the release of that song.

Anyways, went surfing at Bowls, 2-3 ft. faces. Yesterday sucked - there were maybe 1-2 ft faces. Bowls is a surf spot right behind my apartment in Hawaii. There are 2 other spots next to it - Kaiser's and Rock pile. Kaiser's is sweet when it's high tide. I don't surf Rock pile because of the name - I've been there once and I gashed my foot open. I guess in actuality, I surf between Bowls and Kaiser's. There are 2 remote buoys about 100 yards out which we use to triangulate our location. We normally try to stay between the buoys - it's still slightly shallow, and infested with vana (Hawaiian for sea urchins) - but we make the best of it. The added advantage is the channel runs the current back out if you ride one in.

Surfing today was significant because of the fact that no one else was really out there. We surfed for a good 2 hours, and a couple other people did show up, but no one really bothered coming to where Dillon and I were surfing because of the extremely shallow conditions. My longest ride of the day shot me past the only other people out in the area. It was a Japanese girl with a surf instructor who I've seen out there in the past. He ended up giving me good surf tips and told me I was leaning too hard into the wave... whatever that means.

Oh, I'm beginning to lose my fear of axing myself in the face with reef. Today I began pushing my ability to turn to it's fullest. Turning whilst going down the face of the wave without losing balance is something I've been dedicating my life into perfecting. I do not yet have the ability to completely turn without having to place my hand in the water in the direction I need to turn. It is a very similar feeling to paddling in a canoe and sticking your paddle in the water to slow you down or turn. It is an exhilarating experience though when it's low tide: when you're standing and you look down, it's as if you're flying over a crazy ass fucking comet from the depths of the universe, and there is literally only a foot or so of water between you and death. Mahalo.