Time Travel? Like Dorothy, You’ve Had the Power All Along.

The key is under your arms, or wherever you want to smell good.

You may be comfortable with the idea that dudes aren’t interested in science fiction topics like time travel, but you’re wrong to feel that way. Human beings have fantasized about traveling back in time since day one because of several innate components of our inner lives: memories and regrets. We distinguish between the way life is, and the way we wish it would be. At the heart of this desire to change the past is a hope that we, as individuals, remember the past so that we can prevent ourselves from making the same mistakes again and again. Unfortunately as time goes by the lessons we’ve learned tend to factor less and less into our decision-making.

Environmentalists have taught us to find new uses for things that we already have. With their will in mind, I searched through my possessions for any item that I found to be limited in application. Hours later I found myself in the bathroom getting ready to go out, and then I remembered my search. Picking up an ordinary can of Axe™ body spray, I asked myself what other uses this product could have. I considered several hypotheses including using the product as a rescue tool. If one was trapped inside a burning house they should be able to apply this product and summon a horde of women to shield them from the flames with their bodies. Certain that I was off to a good start, I thought of more uses for Axe body spray until…

At last I stumbled upon a way to travel back in time via Axe body spray. All you have to do is buy a different fragrance every month, spray it on every day as you normally would, but instead of using the whole can leave at least 20% remaining. Then label the can for that month and store it someplace safe. Whenever you need to confront a situation that relates to something that happened a while back, just spray some of that month’s fragrance into the air in front of you. This will cause your present day feelings to be overpowered by nostalgia and you will be able to tackle the situation as if it happened yesterday.

Since its inception, Axe body spray has offered men masculine names for already existing fragrances. Also noteworthy, is the ingenious concept that women have noses and find enjoyment in certain smells. With this new application mentioned above, dudes everywhere can not only think that they smell great but believe that the past is their ally as well. This knowledge can empower men to discard the illusions of the present, and feel the harrowing insight that can only be delivered to us by the tearing open of an old wound. Having a streak of bad luck? Take yourself back to a better time in just seconds! Expect to say things like:

“That was the best. Seriously.”

“Oh man…I really was upset when she left me.”

“Dude this isn’t the first time you’ve left this shit out here.”

“Fuck I’m out of January…FUCK!”

and

“Who knew that a horrific car accident could smell so good.”

I spoke to several women about this concept, and they were at a loss for words when I explained that by putting this method into practice I had discovered that we had already slept together. Since all feminine fragrances are considered “gay”, I feel as if this gender-exclusive method gives me the edge. However, women can benefit themselves by becoming better acquainted with the bitter scent of defeat, which they are certain to encounter in the near future.