Driving Next To A Hummer Feels Like Having A Gun Pointed At Your Head. Here's Why...

  I believe in openly talking about your fears with strangers. Being forthcoming about my insecurities has helped to prevent any possible misunderstandings that could stem from my social interaction with others. For example, an acquaintance of mine recently told me that at the time of our first meeting he mistakenly assumed that I "don't like to be touched" and also that I was "really pale and should go outside for a change." We had a good laugh! I explained to him that I only fear insects and heights.

  So for you my shining cousins I will reveal a rather unsettling suspicion that I’ve had for the past few days. Have any of you ever noticed something wrong with Hummers? I’m not talking about their deplorable fuel consumption or uncanny ability to bestow their owners with instant 'Pimp' status. No, I think it’s more like they’re robots…yes, robots IN DISGUISE.

So what’s my logic for coming to this most dubious conclusion? Dear friends, here it is. Ever notice how people who drive hummers are complete tools? Well you’re not far from the truth, they’re actually holograms meant to deceive you. However, the lies stop there because the women that are attracted to these holograms are in fact 100% real. And perhaps you’ve seen the Hummer commercials? Where at the end the “H” and the “3” that make up the logo do this thing where they link into each other and spin around. That’s EXACTLY what I’m talking about!

On Monday I was driving on Rt. 17 and there was a large Hummer driving like one foot behind my car while I was in the shoulder lane driving 9 miles an hour for some reason that none of you will ever understand. But I feel like the people who were with me…kind of understand. Anyway so I’m pretty sure he was blasting Coheed and Cambria and I was scared out my fucking mind. I like them too, but not enough to die for them. Especially when it’s involving those fucktard Decepticons, even less one named “Megaglobeatron”. Don’t ask me how I knew his name. Here’s a hint: Draw a truck on a piece of paper, hand it to your mom, and ask her what she sees. What I’m saying is that we gotta do something with our lives man…like assemble a fleet of dodge Neon’s and fight back!